Recursive Subroutine

 There is something very strange about the concept of love. Sometimes it feels like I am never learning from my mistakes. The only thing that I have is realization. This time, I realize that I am falling for a catastrophe. The consequences are going to leave a deep scar. I can forsee the future. There is nothing that I going to get except for pain. I will be wasting a lot of time on it. I will be wasting a lot of efforts. I have already watched thousands of motivational videos on YouTube that talk about why you should only love yourself. I was also motivated by them. I had taken an oath to never walk on that same path again. I was committed to focus only on my goals. Nobody cares! Really! No one in this world is concerned for you. Everyone is running their own race. Everyone is the protagonist of the movie that is reeling on their brain. Who has got the time to cheer for others, to support others in their difficult times, or to even care for their existence? If nobody cares for me, why should I care for others?

"The best investment is this world is the investment in yourself. Strive to make yourself better everyday."

Looks like my mind has completely sorted out its priority. What is wrong then? Is it only your mind who should be taking all your decisions? Your mind is an amalgamation of thoughts of people you interact with. The interaction can be through social media or physical gathering. Millions of voices are being processed by your mind. But which among those millions are yours? Only those, actually, which come straight from your heart. Can you recognize yours among the millions?

Some people can, but, most people can't. Even I can't hear my voice when the wave of life is flowing in the same direction in which I am swimming and everything looks so perfect. It is only when the waves start going opposite and you decide to pause and reflect on yourself, that you can hear your voice.

By the way, I completely went off from the first statement. My stupid heart is again going to make me do all the things that I regret doing in the past. I just don't seem to have control over it. Falling for someone again, thinking about her all the time, imagining the possibilities of us getting together, and thinking about the things that can possibly go wrong. Let's like my seemingly boring M2F life has got a new purpose. Life was colourless and now it is coloured red. I cannot sleep. I can see the excitement in my eyes. I spend 6 hours a day blushing. I am hoping for a success this time.

"Home in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

 The subroutine of "love" has recursed with the same state. In dynamic programming (a concept of computer science), we memoize the result of a subroutine called with the same state so that we don't have to repeat the task. Similarly, I had also memoized the mistakes I made in the past by falling in love and I shouldn't be repeating them. But, my heart is not letting my brain honour the contract. I can see doing everything again even though the results are known. The only difference is - I am aware; when things will fail, I at least had known that they were supposed to.

Sounds too cheesy, Right? Same here. I already know that my brain is trying to create a new imaginary world for me. The imaginary world is a shortcut for me to escape, when I find myself in strain. The pleasing that the imagination provides is like a bubble. It first grows and then bursts. Once it bursts, I will hit the ground reality which will be very difficult to accept at that time. 

I hope I get over it soon! Wish me luck!



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